Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Becoming Comfortable With Me

The really awesome thing about working part time at a clothing store is getting to see different people trying on the clothes. Things that I would never think to put on, I see ladies rocking! It's actually a beautiful thing. I love that these women let me join in their journey. 


For example, I helped a woman last week who was very early in her pregnancy but wanted to have some pieces that would be in it for the long haul. She rocked that dressing room and he had a really awesome time. Her confidence was infectious. I decided I was going to do something I hate, try on clothes in the store. 


Normally, if I really like something I will buy it and try it on at home. I don't like people seeing me in something that I'm not really comfortable in. Luckily I have formed a nice relationship with these ladies and knew I needed to just do it. I easily grabbed over $1,000 worth of clothes to try on. Hoping to find something different then my usual black tights and long sleeve shirt. 


What did I end up with you ask? A pair of flip flops. That I already owned. Yep, it was a total bust. 



It wasn't the clothes fault, it was mine. The girls were all super supportive. They asked me how I felt in the outfits and why I didn't like something. Since I am built like a pencil (straight, zero shape) I just didn't think anything looked good. The girls yelled at me. I wanted to believe them so much, but I am so good at picking myself apart. 


Sarah and I were talking about this at the baby shower last weekend. She thanked me for being so real about my body imagine issues. When people look at me they would never think I would have body imagine issues. I have the kind of body that most women would kill for, the only problem is I would do anything to not have it. I can't wear all of these super cute clothes because I think they look stupid on me. 



Do they look stupid, probably not, but I feel that way! I am 28 years old, 5 foot 4 and a healthy 98 pounds. I have no problem openly saying it, but I have a problem with the person I see in the mirror. I can pick out the most minor flaw in ever single piece of clothes I try on. My new favorite one is this crazy muscle I am getting in both of my quads. When I'm in tights, you can see them and *I think* I look bulky. 


The funny part about all of this is that I do not feel like this when I'm around other runners/athletic people. I have zero problems pumping out a track workout in a sports bra and the shortest shorts I own. When I am around the general population is my problem. Case and point, I wear long sleeves to work everyday. I don't want people to point out how small I am. It's just a thing. 


This stuff isn't easy to talk about. People will always tell me "oh stop you look incredible" but I just don't believe it. I know I'm little, and I'm not saying I'm overweight or anything - I just don't like the way I look. I was actually more confident in myself when I was a little heavier. 


A few days after the nightmare clothing shopping experience, I made a decision. I was buying AND wearing an outfit I would never consider doing. People can say what they want, but I need to do this for me. Guess what, I didn't have a panic attack, no one snickered and I even got a few compliments. Did it help? Maybe a little. Just like the swim suit episode, I'm getting there. 




I will always consider myself a work in progress. I don't think I'm alone in that thinking. It has taken me this long to embrace my body and I need to get into my head that this is the body I am given and I need to rock it. Baby steps have been taken this summer. Next summer will be the biggest test when we are at the beach with a bunch of our friends. I am already on the right path, I bought a second swim suit. 


13 comments:

  1. I've always wanted to work in a clothing store, I love seeing how different clothes look on people..it's why I love fashion blogs it's just great to see how people mix and match things!

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    1. I love it! Things I never thought people would like I see them rock! It is just about perspective

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  2. We have the exact same body shape, so I know exactly how you feel! It's like all tops are made for hourglasses, so it pulls across too much and makes our stomachs look bigger. I have the exact same insecurities as you so I can completely relate. I love that top that you're wearing and I actually have the same one in black! I think it looks so great because it isn't a typical shape, and helps to give the illusion of a waist line. Looks really great on you! I can give you tons of tips on dressing for our body type ;)

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    1. I love knowing I'm not alone! We are so going shopping together!

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  3. I'm a lot older than you and I still feel the same way somedays about getting dressed! I love that quote, btw!

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    1. Thanks Wendy! I always have the quote saved on my phone, it's so perfect!

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  4. Girl, you are gorgeous. Inside most importantly. Outwardly when I see you all I see are smiles and great hair and strength. I am so lucky to know you. That said, we ALL have those negative voices and by continuing this dialogue you'll continue to grow and learn and encourage everyone to love themselves. <3 <3

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  5. It's really tough to accept what's looking back at me in the mirror, Steff; I can relate to the fact that it doesn't matter what other people say, because it's still all about what I'm telling myself. Thank you for sharing this! Interestingly, I feel best in my "regular" clothes and worst in my running clothes; we're opposites - ha! Love ya, girl.

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    1. That is so funny Tara! My thinking is, there are tiny people like me at races. I feel like I actually fit in! Mainly because I have to buy my regular clothing at the kids Abercromie instead of the regular one =/

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  6. Thanks for writing this. I know so many of your followers (including me!) have thought the same thing and many do not have the courage to say it allowed, so hopefully this gives more women a voice.

    I read this post this morning and thought a lot about it on my 10 mile run (I like to get my long runs in before the weekend when I can). Something that has always given me a boost when I'm having body image issues (you know, daily) is when I think about all that my body has overcome (Crohn's Disease) and all that my body has carried me through (Running!!). Think about all the miles that 5'4" 98lb body has carried you through - all the marathons, half marathons, PRs, training runs in the snow and rain, and everything in between. That is pretty badass. YOU ARE PRETTY BADASS. <3



    Also: They do not make women's clothing to fit actual women's bodies, regardless of shape. Ladies, never let clothing tell you that there's something wrong with your body - it's the damn clothes. My body shape is very different than Steff's and most clothes bunch and pull and ride up and are just DUMB on me too. That is all.

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    1. Thank you Lauren. Our bodies are our story, the journey! We all should just be able to be real, but sometimes it's super hard. I want to live in black leggings and a hoodie for the rest of my life!

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  7. OMG Steff.....honestly, I look at you all the time and wish I was your size (speedier times!) I have you by about 17 pounds!!! You look amazing and the key thing is...HEALTHY for your height and frame. You should have no issues girl! Oh, and you always look super cute in all your running clothes :)

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