Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Guest Post: A Letter To My Eating Disorder

This weeks post is a little different. About a week ago, I was on Facebook and my friend Maddie posted the most powerful post. I asked her if she would do a guest post for my blog, because it is a story that needed to be told. She agreed and I am so honored. I hope that you all can respect how open this post is and that everyone has a story to tell. This is Maddie's.

About Me with Anorexia:

Like many people, I gained weight in college and during my senior I decided to get healthy. It started out innocently enough for the first year – I lost the weight healthily through eating properly and exercising. But it was difficult to maintain and I became obsessed, which eventually lead to Anorexia.

Maddie in 2011

I battled with my eating disorder from 2011-present. I say “present” because eating disorders are like alcoholism or drug addiction. You are always an alcoholic even if you have been sober for decades. The underlying addiction will always be there, waiting for moments of weakness. Hopefully, sharing this smidgen about my struggle will help others seek help or know they are not alone.

Maddie in 2017

Why I wrote the letter:

The letter is primarily an apology to everyone I hurt in some way when Anorexia controlled my life. It is also a plea for continued love and patience when I don’t deserve either. It has been something that has weighed on me for so long. Based on the initial reactions to the letter, I know that most of the people it was intended for got the message. The beautiful souls that are no longer close friends are the ones that I really wanted to reach which this letter to let them know I think about them all the time and that I still love them.

I’m hoping that by sharing this letter on a more public site, I can shed light on the disease, and eliminate the assumption that people with eating disorders just “want attention.” We want more than anything to be free of the chains that bind us. If you ever need to talk, please know I would love to be the person you can reach out to. Email me anytime. You are not alone. 

An Open Letter to Anyone who had the Misfortune of Encountering Me during the Height of my Eating Disorder

To the close friends I’ve lost:

- I’m sorry for being a no-show, but Anorexia told me that I had to do an extra hour of cardio. Anorexia told me that there would be food there and that everyone would notice that I wasn’t eating.
- I think about you more than you know. I think about the memories we could have had. Would you have been in my wedding? Would I have been a part of yours? Would we be seeing each other once a month to catch up and share with one another? Anorexia took you from me. And for that, I hate Anorexia.
- Anorexia said that you could be a lifeline to me, and well, Anorexia said that it was the only friend I needed.

To any one that I made feel insignificant or bullied:

- I’m sorry that I mistreated you. Anorexia told me that I could not be considerate because you might crack my shell and discover my secret. Anorexia also altered my brain chemistry to the point of rage and nastiness. I’m still working to forgive myself for all the hurt I caused you.

To my family and friends that have stuck by me through Anorexia:

- Words cannot thank you enough for your patience and love.
- I’m sorry for being absent in all of the joys I should have been celebrating with you.
- I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you enough to let you help me, but Anorexia said I didn’t need you. Anorexia insisted that all I needed in life was my eating disorder.
- I’m sorry for all the shame, hurt, and embarrassment that I caused you.

To everyone who is still in my life moving forward:

- Thank you for dealing with my neuroticisms; the never-ending cycle of anxiety over food, exercise, socializing, and life in general.
- I’m sorry for how incessant I am regarding calories, portion sizes, and making sure I work out daily.
- Please continue to be patient with me. Anorexia is an addiction and a disease. I will have setbacks, relapses, and bad days.

All my love,

Maddie thank you again for allowing my blog to be your platform. Again, if any of you need someone to talk to, please reach out to Maddie. She is a genuine and kind person who has nothing but the best intentions to help. You can email her here.

1 comment:

  1. Eating disorder are no walk in the park. They take strength and support to get through. I'm so proud of how far you've come.